6. Affirm what your child is feeling.

A child’s feelings can’t be wished, scolded, or reasoned away.

Children, like adults, need to be heard, and their feelings aren’t in any way soothed by having them explained away. Reactions such as, “That’s silly” or “We all have problems from this” won’t help. Perhaps a child’s deepest need at a time like this is to know he'll be heard, again and again, until he’s sure the important people in his life understand him.

What you say should fit your child’s age and maturity. Consider some of these:

  • “Tell me more about how this is for you.”
  • “Can you draw a picture of how this feels?”
  • “This must feel very hard.”
  • “What would help when you feel like this?”
  • “We'll always be here to help you.”

    • Think less about fixing your child’s grief than just showing that you appreciate how deep the feelings go.

     

    Show Extra Tip
    • Adults’ guilt can be a barrier to their ability to understand children’s feelings.
    • It’s common to feel guilty that your divorce has hurt your children. Your responsibility now is to affirm what your child is feeling and let your child know you understand and feel sorry for this hurt.
    • Now that’s something you can be proud of.

    “Isn't that the way they say it goes?
    Well, let's forget all that
    And give me the number if you can find it
    So I can call just to tell 'em I’m fine and to show
    I've overcome the blow,
    I’ve learned to take it well.
    I only wish my words could just convince myself
    That it just wasn't real—
    But that's not the way it feels.”

    “Operator”

    Jim Croce