10 Clear Thoughts—Just When You May Need Them Most
8. Little good can be expected from most legal battles.
Some divorces have elements of danger making court involvement necessary. But be careful. Like surgery, court can help when it's necessary, but it hurts when it's used unnecessarily. Make sure you understand:
- Most issues families face aren't really legal issues and have no legal answers.
- While your cooperation can build better alternatives, a judge can only pick from the bad alternatives available in the middle of parent conflict.
- Going to court often creates hurt, fear, distrust, and financial costs far outweighing any benefits (if, in fact, there are any benefits).
Literally thousands of American courtrooms are filled every day with warring couples. Yet—perhaps not a single couple anywhere has emerged from that experience feeling better about each other or parrenting better together. Almost always the opposite is true.
Some people think a good outcome in a divorce involves winning a fight. It rarely does. A good outcome means ending a fight.
Show Extra Tip- Am I under the illusion that the legal battle will end our problems?
- Am I fantasizing that a judge will declare me the victim?
- Have I considered that the legal battle may take on a life of its own and never stop?
- Will this battle leave my co-parent and me feeling better about each other?
- Will knowing we chose to go to a stranger to decide family matters help our children feel more secure about the parenting we can give them?
- How will children live in the aftermath of this battle?
- With all the resources we could be using (calm discussion, mediation, a focus on our children's need for peace between us, counseling, and patience, to name just a few), is this really the best we can do?
"I was never ruined but twice, once when I list a lawsuit and once when I won one."
—Voltaire