1. “I'm so ashamed. I'm humiliated. Other kids' families aren't like this.”

Children can carry the shame parents are too angry to feel—for indeed, family fights that go on and on are a pretty good occasion for humiliation.

But something more is operating here. Children feel they are responsible for these fights.

Children are egocentric. From their earliest cries—voila!—food appears, and they come to think they cause the major events in their lives.

Overwhelmingly, children can’t feel indifferent about their parents’ conflict, and they become stuck with a painful sense of responsibility for it.

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“Even very young children feel shame or a sense of not belonging among peers from intact families.... When parents divorce, it's often like kids don't belong in their own home anymore.... Kids feel dropped out of the social fabric. Different than other kids. They can feel shame, embarassment, jealousy of intact families.”

Good Parenting Through Your Divorce, p. 41.

—Mary Ellen Hannibal

“Children believe they are responsible for all of the major occurrences in their lives—including parental fighting.”

Helping Children Cope with Divorce, p. 82.

—Edward Teyber