7. “I need to say what others want to hear.”

Children of conflict have no permission to be themselves, and they live contrived lives as they try to steer between their warring parents.

As Dr. Ross Campbell wisely observes, “Children have no defense against their parents’ anger.”

Whatever else a child of conflict can be, he can’t be himself. He’s forced to be one person with Dad and a different person with Mom.

In working with warring parents, it’s painful to hear them argue over the different things they hear from their children. Is it really any wonder the children are forced into burying their own wishes and feelings in favor of saying whatever might calm each parent?

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“In the battle between you, they learn to be polished diplomats. They'll tell each of you what you want most to hear—not because they're liars but because they want desperately to soothe each of you, to calm you down, to reduce their fears that you'll become enraged. They're afraid of your anger, they pity you, and they want you to feel better.”

What About the Kids?, p. 204.

—Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee