9. “If I weren't here, this wouldn't be happening.”
Children hear. And they can figure out that all the fights are "about them." As conflict continues, children are at high risk of taking responsibility to end it.
Not only does this sense of responsibility reverse the order of things—children now caring for their parents’ needs—but it gives children an additional reason to blame and criticize themselves: when the conflict doesn’t end, the children feel even more blameworthy.
Hold on! There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Okay, we can hear you now. And you're right, this can feel depressing.
But remember! There's an amazingly encouraging lesson here: with simple courtesy, we parents can protect our children from the most devastating thing in their lives.
Stay with us—because in a moment the answer to all of these problems will be crystal clear.
“Because they are often the centerpiece of their parents' arguments with each other, to varying degrees, these children feel responsible for causing the disputes, yet must feel helpless to control or stop the conflict...”
Through the Eyes of Children: Healing Stories for Children of Divorce, pp. xiv-xviii.
—Janet R. Johnston, Karen Breunig, Carla Garrity and Mitchell Baris