5. “I need to figure out who is right and pick sides.”

If a parent’s goal in “taking conflict to the children” is to make them feel like they need to choose, then in an odd sense the parent has succeeded. The children will likely feel panic and pressure to figure out who is right and whom to choose.

What the parent doesn’t realize is that this is just another way in which no one wins—and the children always lose.

Download a Printable Summary.

“Children experiencing intense conflict have to take sides because they can't manage the internal tension and anxiety they feel… This psychological 'splitting,' as it is called,… is the most destructive emotional symptom that children might experience… because of the confusion and anxiety it creates.”

Parenting After Divorce: A Guide to Resolving Conflicts and Meeting Your Children's Needs,
p. 20.

—Philip M. Stahl